Real Shit: I Have an Identity Crisis

Who are you?
Seriously though, can you tell me who you are...who you truly are?
Not that fake stuff...that "cover-it-up" stuff. Who are you?
Not that thing everyone else wants you to be or tells you, you should be. That thing that you TRULY, WHOLEHEARTEDLY ARE.

Think about it, write it down. Now ask yourself...why am I that?

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I've done this numerous times and every single time I thought I got it right. To give myself credit, I did get some of my identity right but those other parts, I had no idea the cost of what I said I was, was actually going to cost me. I've wasted so much time focusing on the surface of my being that I had no idea I was not digging into the inner, most important me.

If you go back to last years post about who I was, as you read, you will read all things that I took from the surface of myself. Those things my limited mind only knew about my own damn self.

So, let's take some time and talk about Identity. Let's dig a little deep.
1. I was a spirit before any physical properties were set in place.
 2. I am a female. Out of all those I competed with in that canal, I was the champion and I chose to be a female.
3. I am black.

Digging deeper, gaining knowledge about each of these facts enlightened me about who I was. Looking from a different perspective rather than just surface, you will get a much bigger picture.

Let's move on.
Apart of your identity is how you grow up. Those around you, the environment around you..they are all apart of who you are..rather you like it or not, You were shaped because of these things. Oftentimes, you clean..cook..analyze..talk just like the people you were around when you grew up because they influenced you first. You took this thing from that person, learned that thing from this environment...this that, here and there.

In short,
During my infant years, I grew up with a young mother..who was lost and mentally broken down. Her mother was murdered..her constant lack of knowledge and direction led her to environments that were down right poison. She used sex as an escape, as a healer. That's the only thing she knew, that was her identity. During my school age years, I spent half as a foster child and another as an adopted child. Kids, from all different backgrounds..most of us not having a clue what that background was and still to this day, even as adults haven't pieced all of it together. Most of us, only being what we saw or what our mental state was telling us to be. During this stage, school was also a big influence. Teachers, administrators, other kids. Taking this that, here and there and applying it to my life.

It's amazing how much you can find out about you. Have you ever studied you?

Seriously, take a minute and reflect on why you have those certain qualities or even bad habits. I just realized last week that my constant need for organization and decoration..my "odd" need to have new notebooks and good pens came from a combination of my mom and my grade school librarian. My mom was a teacher and a church secretary. She constantly had cute notebooks and those good pretty pens. She was constantly working with documents and keeping organization. My librarian was extremely organized, always had nice things on her desk in an orderly fashion. Everything she did was in order. I loved these things about them.

I flashed back to the 3rd grade me. I loved reading so I had a huge bookshelf full of books. I would go in and hand label each of my books, list them on paper and allow my friends to "check them out." I kept them all organized and if someone didn't return them, I would be on them to return them. I was LITERALLY mocking my librarian. I JUST realized the significance of this last week when I was doing some reflecting.

I took these things, as a little girl and made them apart of my AUTHENTIC SELF.

Just to be fair, I will give an example of something I grasped that is apart of my identity that  I want to change. It is the "Cover it Up" trick. The one where you are hurting, mentally going crazy INSIDE but on the outside you cover it up completely. Dress it and make it good. I learned this at a very young age. "Perfection or nothing." That is, if you or they can't perfect it..there is no need in participating in it. Don't engage in it...that includes don't seek out to do it if you can't get it right the first time..don't seek out to do it because I tried it and it didn't work. Don't talk about it because you can't change it. Don't talk about it because it's going to make me look bad.

So, what's the point.

My point here is to simply show there are SO MANY of us walking around here not having a clue who we are and WHY we are that person. Some of us don't even know who each of our true parents are. Knowing who you are will answer many of those questions that fill your head throughout the day and night. Knowing who you are will get you closer to your destiny and fulfillment.

We can no longer be who THEY (mom,dad,grandparents,church,school, girlfriends, boyfriends) told us we are. We have to be ourselves, our TRUE AUTHENTIC SELVES.

The definition of be is TO EXIST. You are not existing until you be who you truly are!